I will tell you what, this one was tricky. Not because it was a hard topic to write about, but it isn’t really easy to find terrible fortunes in fortune cookies. I guess restaurants figured it was bad business to insult a paying customer while they are still at the table.
Regardless, after searching for a while, I found myself 10 fortunes that aren’t necessarily great.
So, let’s start the list!
Day 5. Pick ten sayings for a fortune cookie that you would never want to see come true.
1. The end is near… And it is all your fault.
That would just be sad. First of, if this fortune is true, there will be some kind of end. That on itself could be a good or bad thing, but since they use the word “fault” we can assume it is because you do something wrong.
So there, being the blame for the end of something really isn’t a great fortune to get, right?
2. Life will be happy, until the end when you’ll pee yourself a lot.
The happy life part is definitely good, but peeing yourself is quite an ungraceful way to end a graceful life. I think you will agree that not peeing yourself at the end of your life would be a much better fortune.
After all, adult diapers aren’t fun.
3. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I know this one is meant as a little joke, but you don’t really want this to be real, right? After all, you aren’t just annoying your husband/wife, but you are stuck with them for the rest of your life as well. So they wish you a bad marriage. Great.
4. You will die alone and poorly dressed.
Does this one need an explanation? I guess the upside is that at least you are wearing clothes and weren’t found in your birthday suit.
5. You have been poisoned.
Not great either, right? But it would be a nice twist for a slapstick movie where the hero is sitting in a Chinese restaurant eating his steaming plate of kung pao chicken. He opens his cookie and as he gasps and reaches for his throat, we can see the villain seated at the bar turning around and shaking the vial of poison while laughing menacingly. And of course, our hero falls down on his knees, choking and gagging as the villain gets up and walks towards him. And as the screen goes black, the last thing you see are the villain’s very expensive leather shoes.
A bit cliché, but hey, what did you expect from a fortune like this?. But in all seriousness, that would not be great if it were true.
6. Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery!
We always assume this is meant as a joke… But what if it isn’t? That would be really horrible if it were true. Imagine being a slave forced to make fortune cookies all day long and the only way you can communicate is by putting a little piece of paper in a cracker and hoping that someone reads it.
And when they do, they laugh and say: “good one” as they go about their day.
But say you knew this was true, there would be no real way to help the person responsible for the fortune. You can’t really call up the police and ask them to go find all the fortune cookie companies and figure out where that person is held.
So instead, every time you eat Chinese food, there is a chance you will witness his desperate cry for help and you will be powerless to do anything about it except eat your cookie.
Not as funny when it is real.
7. You just ate cat.
8. The fortune you seek is in another cookie.
Not as tragic as the last one, but for some reason, this one really got to me. Especially if you are someone that always just misses out on the great things that could happen. Someone that is always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Someone that always wins silver and never gets gold.
Someone that is looking for something, but is always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So close, but yet, so far.
9. Psst! They’re being paid to love you.
This one needs no explanation. Worst. Fortune. Ever.
10. Pigeon poop burns the retina for 13 hours. You will learn this the hard way.
More of a funny one, but I can see how this one could easily become true. You would be looking up into the sky to search for pigeons so you can avoid them, but by doing that you would leave yourself open for the falling of the poop.
Was it an unavoidable fate or did self-fulfilling prophecy?
Now, isn’t that one of the biggest questions in life?
For good measures, I thought I would ruin a couple of good fortunes and turn them into sassy, slightly insulting ones.
“ Beauty surrounds you because opposites attract.”
Not very original, but it almost sounds like something you could find in a cookie.
“ Your smile is a treasure to all who know you. Better keep it locked up.”
This one is definitely a ruined fortune, but it definitely makes for a good insult. Maybe something to remember.
What do you think? Did I find my calling as a fortune cookie writer?
What I would do if I ran away from home
What happened when I wake up with no memories and a key in my hand.